no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
