You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
