my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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