you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
the raccoons are back...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
