I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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