He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
