you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
