my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He did a backflip because drugs
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