you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
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