matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
