What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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