thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
