I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
