I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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