He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
