you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
