Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
