DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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