You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
