My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Im part way to drunk.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
