I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
