fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
