um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
