I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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