It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
