i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
