ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
