i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
