I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
