I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
