My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
