if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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