My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
