You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
