I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
