I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
