You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
