White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
