I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
being pregnant is like rehab
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
40s are totally the cure
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
