Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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