so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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