My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
