i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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