I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
