I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My vagina is very pro this idea
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
