I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
