if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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