You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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