If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
