Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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