I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
