Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
