This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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