return my video game
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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