apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
