woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
