You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
