You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
