dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
