dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
